the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
