They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
