I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
