If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
