I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
