Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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