You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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