Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
