how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize