Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
