she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
