I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
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