Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
