It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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