You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
