Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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