I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
