Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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