So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
