I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
