Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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