I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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