Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
