when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
