Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
