At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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