this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
