I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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