I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think my moral compass just broke
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