pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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