I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
