I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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