I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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