soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
