When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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