I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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