It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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