Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
