how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Randomize
