I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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