I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
