i think my tv is drunk
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
