I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
