you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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