Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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