Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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