so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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