Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My vagina is officially offended.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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