I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
