You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
did you just send me my own nude
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize