The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
