I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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