trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
