benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize