Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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