You're completely useless in the revolution.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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