My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
