the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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